There are number of criteria that we often look at when we choose someone to date, partner with, and or marry. Beyond the superficial, most of us want someone who shares our values. What are these values?

  • Similar Faith in God?
  • Relationship with Family?
  • Work Ethic?
  • Kindness?
  • Dealing with Money?

Most people don’t think of the latter, but in many regards it might be most important quality to look at.  Marriage or a life partnership is in many regards as much a financial relationship as a love connection.  More importantly, a person’s relationship with money is often very telling of more important character traits, and is definitely the most quantifiable.  We can’t measure quantitively how honest someone is.  But we can check out someone’s FICO score.  We can’t quantify kindness, but we can know how much someone has given to charity.

When we date someone, we have a unique opportunity to observe how someone spends his or her money.  Right off the bat, the dance around who pays for the first date is often quite telling.  As a guy, I have generally expected to pay and certainly plan on paying if I was the person who asked.  The issue of who actually pays is less important than how people go about it. In my experience there are people who expect stuff, and those who appreciate stuff.  I rather be someone who appreciates rather than expects.

Equally as important as how someone deals with money within the confines of a relationship is how money is dealt with outside of the relationship. While we might all like to believe we’re kind and generous to fault.  We’re not, and sometimes it’s actually better that we date someone who isn’t either.  It’s more important that we date someone who is of a similar mind.


Above is what I call scale of self. Typically we define someone who is selfish as someone who only thinks about him or herself, but the term can be applied more broadly. Being “selfish” on this scale is about prioritizing. A guy could be generous to wife and himself and shortchange his friends and family.

Nobody should be with someone who’s all the way on one end of being selfish, only thinking about him or herself. However the person on the other end, Mother Theresa, is not a great match for the majority of people either even if she weren’t dead and a nun.  Given that most people have limited time and money, generosity requires sacrifice that has to come from somewhere.  The sacrifice is not limited to just that one person but potentially the the ones who he or she is close to.  Someone who is always thinking about everyone has less time to think specifically about someone in particular.

I know I rather be with someone who is generous to friends, families, and even strangers at some cost to us.  However that is not true of everyone.  Other couples work well together they are on the same page about putting each other first. Know where you are on the selfish scale and know where you want your partner to be.  Watching how someone spends money is one of the best ways to size someone up.