Over Thanksgiving, I gave a good yelling to my dad when I got out of the bathroom.  He had recently stocked the bathroom with probably what was the cheapest toilet paper I have ever used in my life.  It was the generic toilet paper from Market Basket, one of the lower priced Supermarkets in the Boston Area.  I have no problem with either Market Basket or Store branded products.  I think both can deliver fantastic values on some products.  Market Basket toilet paper is not one of these products.

I preach frugality on most things.  I don’t personally believe in owning flashy cars, designer clothes, or most other luxury items.  I do, on the other hand, spend much more than the average person on traveling and I definitely believe in treating my bottom to “luxury” toilet paper.  As a guy I have occasion to use toilet paper on average 5 times a week.  When I do have to use toilet paper, I use a generous amount - I would say at least 20 sheets each visit on average, or about 7 feet.

I can purchase the least expensive toilet paper, Scott’s 1 Ply, available at drugstore.come for $9.99 for 12 rolls or 6000 sheets. The stuff I used at my Dad’s was much cheaper.  He didn’t recall how much it cost, but I wouldn’t be surprised if it at was at most half the price of the Scott’s.  I’ve used the cheap Scott’s 1 ply sheets before, and after using the Market Basket toilet paper, the Scott’s 1-ply would feel like Quilted Northern.  The more expensive and thicker Charmin’s Ultra is offered at $9.99 for 12 rolls, or 2400 sheets.

  • Scott’s 1 Ply: 6000/$9.99 = .1666 cents a sheet
  • Charmins’ Ulttra: 2400/$9.99 = .41625 cents a sheet
  • Market Basket (estimated) = .1666/2 = .08 cents a sheet

Knowing how much toilet paper I use, and the going price of toilet paper, I can figure out how much it really costs me to use the luxury brand over the course of lifetime (I estimate generously that I have about 60 years left on the ticker).

20 sheets X 5 visits X 60 years X 52.15 weeks = 312,900 sheets of toilet paper for the rest of my life

At most I can save a bit $1000 over my lifetime. This doesn’t even take to account the fact that I believe I would probably have to use more sheets of the cheap stuff to do the same job as better toilet paper. My estimate of total sheets is on the  high side as I haven’t accounted for the fact that about half my toilet paper usage is provided free at work.  The actual savings is likely to be much less.

Next time you’re victim of cheap toilet paper consider sending a message with a gift of your own.  Life’s too short, and butt cheeks too sensitive to expose to thin grainy toilet paper.  I certainly rather make my sacrifices elsewhere in life.